This is not an easy entry to write, and I don’t mean because of my physical ailments.

I am coming to believe that the Universe is using my spondylosis and carpal tunnel to get my attention. That’s not to say that the conditions don’t exist, because they certainly do, but rather that I’ve subconsciously exacerbated them.

And how did I reach this conclusion? The answer is — reluctantly. To be honest, I had a temper tantrum, which really shocked me. I don’t normally do tantrums. But my pain has been increasing to the point where I’ve been having difficulty holding my neck up and using my right arm at all. When I received an email suggesting that I make further alterations to my book proposal, I just lost it. I threw my wrist brace across the room (with my good hand), and started sobbing.

At that moment my daughter called, and I answered the phone just to tell her that I was too upset to talk. I tried to get off, but she wouldn’t let me. She told me to just breathe, and then asked me a question. And then another one. Before I knew it I was telling her about my day.

Lauren is extremely perceptive and articulate, and she suggested another perspective from which to examine what I was feeling, and what I was experiencing — together. And I realized, with a tremendous shock, that I was beginning to feel “paralyzed” in my neck, my source of self-support, and my right arm which is my writing arm. And how was I feeling about my book proposal? Frustrated and stuck. Paralyzed.

I have been re-writing this thing forever, it seems. And to be perfectly fair to my agent and proposal editor, their suggestions have been wonderful. But it’s always felt as if they’ve been “pushing” me. Not to do things a different way, but to go deeper into my writing, my wisdom. And I’ve been resisting, powerfully. I didn’t know it, but the irresistible force was meeting the immovable object, and something had to give. And it did.

I keep thinking that I’ve triumphed over my old blocks of low self-esteem and self-doubt, but as Lauren reminded me, it’s a continual process for everyone and I’m obviously not an exception. Yes, I have made tremendous progress, but I’m not finished progressing until I’m no longer breathing.

This reminds me of one of my favorite books, C.S. Lewis’ “Voyage of the Dawn Treader” from The Chronicles of Narnia. There’s a story in there about a selfish little boy named Eustace who woke up one day to find that he had turned into a dragon. He had to perform a lot of unselfish acts before he could turn back into a boy, and the process was a long and difficult one. He would begin to peel back the dragon flesh, seeing human flesh below, but by the time he had peeled off that layer, he would find another dragon skin. He went through this ordeal numerous times before he tore off enough layers to uncover a new, improved Eustace.

So I guess I’m still peeling dragon skin, but now I feel better about it. I confess that it’s not easy for me to reveal some of my vulnerabilities, however I truly want to write what I’m capable of writing and not let fear hold me back. And to test my resolve, my huband asked me if I was ready to blog about this.

I am, and you’re reading it.

3 Responses to "Peeling the dragon"

  1. Swirly

    July 31, 2007

    I am a bit weepy reading this, as I understand so well the difficulty in recognizing these strange (or maybe not so strange) connections between the things we hold onto emotionally and our bodies. I’ve had almost eight months trying to figure out a few different health issues and it has been frustrating, exhausting and infuriating, but I am finally beginning to see the light and understand the connections and it is actually quite fascinating. I am sending healing thoughts and big hugs!!!

  2. Jamie

    August 3, 2007

    You are a wonder, Sunny Schlenger, a deep, sensitive, courageous woman. I’m so sorry that things are so challenging and painful right now. And I celebrate the spirit in you that is so committed to growth and expansion that none of this will stand in your way for long. Maybe the way through is to let go and just know that you are a beautiful, creative woman with great gifts to share. Sending you love and hugs.

  3. Debra Ann

    August 4, 2007

    Ok so now I have to reply. I read your article on Soulfulliving and wanted to share that I grew up in NJ, now live in upstate NY, lived for a while on Long Island and have fibromyalgia. I am living my wonderful life up here in upstate NY because I listened to the universe and followed my synchronicities and never looked back. I am now an artist in an artists coop due to yet another synchronicity and fighting my unbelieving rare fibromyalgia pain. I think it is a sign that I am supposed to make my art and leave the outside world to those angry enough to fight against it. Thank you for your article, thank you for reminding about syncronicities and hopefully very soon we will find our centers and be healthy and happy once again.

Leave a Reply